Are you tired of placing an order with your favorite metal vendor, (OnlineMetals.com) then having to wait for-evah for it to arrive? Tired of those mad dashes to the door in your 12 year old bathrobe, only to spend 5 minutes questioning the delivery man’s muffled laughter over Sharpie messages that your friends left on your forehead the night before?
Well friends, TOIL NO LONGER. OnlineMetals is proud to introduce the MetalDhruker. The only device that allows you to place an order for metal and plastic online and have it delivered instantly.
As this picture shows, Freemasons have had this technology for centuries! It was only after the release of National Treasure 1 and 2 that mainstream society learned of the government plot to keep it hidden.
Upon its release, the OnlineMetals scientists set out to make the technology available to mass market consumers. Our early efforts were met with abject failure, as each prototype would create a different type of ravioli…but that was it. Then for a while, it would produce paper, but who wants that to come out of a printer!?!
Regardless, it made for a very confusing time, and many, many tequila shots were taken in order to help us figure this problem out. Unfortunately, the tequila kind of dulled our brains a little bit, and we let the project lapse. We did however acquire a pretty strong taste for the worm.
Then we found out from Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), that the internet is a series of tubes, and that somehow trucking was involved:
“And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”
At that moment, we realized that we were going about it the wrong way and thinking of the internet as a truck. We’re just metals people, so we understand trucks. We have trucks. They’re miniature trucks, that we keep around the office to play with when we’re not drooling too much, but ANYWAY, the solution just kind of “clicked” into our heads.
(You see what we did there? It “clicked”, and our motto is “Point. Click. Metal.” ) OK fine, it was really impressive to us during the tequila haze.
Anyway, we have the tubes! …and now we’ve found a way to send metal down those tubes, straight to your device. Need your material anodized? No problem. With our special “Anodization Button,” you can print anodized material.
Even better, we’ve now discovered a source for that rarest of materials, UnObtanium. Need an impossible mix of properties? You’re not alone. With the unobtanium pack, you can print mobius curves in just a few short minutes. (Just be careful, we put a piece of corkscrewed bronze right through the test lab’s wall the other day. Wasn’t pretty!)
Directions for use: The MetalDhruker is extremely user friendly. Shop at the OnlineMetals website using our handy dandy built in monitor, or simply fax an order to yourself, scan it into the MetalDhruker, and GO!
Did you order the wrong thing? NO PROBLEM! Use the optional “tree hugger approved” metal recycling attachment, which puts your unwanted materials right back into the system. (A 72% restocking fee will automatically be debited from your checking account.)
Utilizing at least 5 different levels of pseudoscience, the OnlineMetals team has created a seamless internal operation that will produce metallic results every time!
Even though we’re still in Beta (we think that the hand crank may have to go in the next model year), we think it is close enough to completion that we can release it to the world.
So ORDER NOW!
*Please note that since it is our device, we assert licensing rights to anything you invent as a result of using the MetalDhruker. We also assert that we are not responsible for damages that may or may not result from using the MetalDhruker, either for its intended purpose or for whatever else your gigantic brains cook up. The *MetalDhruker is a registered trademark of OnlineMetals.com, and its subsidiaries, associates, affiliates, second cousins, and otherwise. Products created using the MetalDhruker could be fatal if swallowed, and should not be taken if you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant. (Especially if you’re a guy.) Please consult your doctor, lawyer, and/or babysitter before using any part of the MetalDhruker. Some restrictions may apply.
(Thanks for reading. We hope you got a laugh out of it. Please use discount code APRILFOOLS for 10% off your next order.)
